Are You Performing for Approval or Simply Performing?

I read something this week that made me stop and think:

He was “performing for approval rather than simply performing.” — Lt. General Mark P. Hertling

We all need to perform sometimes for others, whether in our jobs, families, or relationships. But how often are we performing for reassurance without awareness of our behavior? How often do we find ourselves out of alignment with our character because we are trying to be something we aren't?

What might that look and feel like on a daily basis? And how do those daily performances add up over time?

I spent a lot of time performing for others, from childhood through my years in education. It is something I still need to check myself on, but thankfully, much less frequently than I once did.

From my experience, it was exhausting. Physically, emotionally, and mentally.

It caused harm in my primary relationship and impacted how I moved through the world. I was always striving for something, then the next thing, and the next thing, until finally, it all stopped.

I would love to tell you that my awareness changed and I realized that living out of alignment was causing me to reassess my life. Unfortunately, it didn't quite work that way.

Instead, I herniated a disk in my lower back so severely that a section of the disk material, which normally sits between the vertebrae, pulled away entirely and became its own little island within that small spinal cavity.

The pain was immense. It stopped me in my tracks for 12 weeks, followed by many more weeks of rehabilitation. Even today, there are lingering effects of that breaking point.

Now, I wouldn't say that my physical breaking point was the result of my emotional or mental patterns. Bodies are complicated, and injuries happen. But that experience did force a pause in my life. And in that pause, I began to see some things I hadn't been willing or able to see before.

Reading that quote brought me back to all the time I spent performing for others, the exhaustion it created, and my breaking point.

Two years after that herniated disk, I still find myself asking:

For whom am I doing this?

Are these actions in line with my character and how I want to show up in the world?

Am I treating others the way I want to be treated because I genuinely want to, or am I approaching my relationships transactionally, hoping that what I give will earn me something in return?

These are not always easy questions to answer. And sometimes, I don't particularly like the answers.

What Does Performing for Approval Look Like?

When I think about performing for approval, I don't necessarily think about someone who is intentionally being dishonest. More often, I think about someone who has gradually learned to adjust themselves to meet the expectations of others.

Perhaps you recognize some of these behaviors in your own life:

• Saying yes when you really want to say no. You agree to take on another responsibility because you don't want to disappoint someone, even though your schedule is already full.

• Trying to be the person everyone needs you to be. You become the dependable one, the easygoing one, the successful one, or the person who never needs help.

• Suppressing your own thoughts or feelings. You hold back what you really think because you're concerned about how others might respond.

• Measuring your worth through achievement. You keep reaching for the next accomplishment, hoping that this one will finally provide a sense of being enough.

• Changing how you show up depending on who is in the room. You find yourself constantly monitoring your words, behaviors, and reactions in an effort to be accepted.

Of course, these behaviors aren't automatically problematic. Sometimes we compromise, take on responsibilities, or adapt our communication because we care about others and want to work together.

The question isn't whether we ever adjust ourselves.

The question is whether we are making those adjustments from a place of choice or from a belief that we must earn our worth, safety, or acceptance.

There is a difference.

When I think back on my years in education, I can recognize how often I was focused on meeting expectations and proving myself. I wanted to do well. I wanted to be capable. I wanted to be seen as someone who could handle what was placed in front of me.

Some of those desires were healthy. Others came with a cost.

When the need for approval becomes the driving force behind our actions, we can lose sight of what we actually value. We may be doing all the things that appear right on the outside while feeling increasingly disconnected on the inside.

And that disconnection can be difficult to recognize when we have been living with it for a long time.

What If You Paused?

What if, instead of immediately adjusting yourself to meet someone else's expectations, you paused?

What if you took a moment to ask yourself:

Is this something I genuinely want to do?

Am I saying yes because it aligns with my values, or because I am afraid of disappointing someone?

What would it look like to show up as myself in this situation?

You may not always have the freedom to act exactly as you wish. Responsibilities, relationships, and circumstances matter. And sometimes, doing the right thing means doing something that isn't particularly comfortable.

But awareness can create space between what you feel compelled to do and what you consciously choose to do.

That space matters.

It can give you the opportunity to consider whether your actions reflect the person you want to be, rather than simply the person you believe others want you to be.

I am still learning to recognize these patterns in myself. I don't always get it right. But I have become more aware of the questions I need to ask, and that awareness continues to shape how I show up in my own life.

If you find yourself struggling to understand your patterns, recognize your needs, or make choices that feel more aligned with who you are, you don't have to work through that alone.

Coaching can offer a space to slow down, explore what is happening beneath the surface, and build a better understanding of yourself. Not so you can become someone else, but so you can develop greater confidence in who you are and how you want to show up in your life.

If this resonates with you, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can explore what simply performing, rather than performing for approval, might look like for you.

Supporting awareness, confidence, and courage.